I have noticed a habit I have developed (not recently) where I say sorry in response to situations where a wet, soppy ‘sorry’ is that last thing I need to be conversating with. Now, I know lots of people do this and I have been really beating myself up about it. But now that I understood what triggers the immediate marathon of ‘oh sorry there, ah so sorry, oh my goodness deeply sorry, sorry sorry sorry’, I want to visit the habit less and not feel as apologetic or guilty all the time. So here is how I am going to give it a bloody, burly, great try…
I’ve popped together a couple of blog posts about Anxiety and my individual experience with it previously (links will be at the end 🙂 ) and I am going to have a good old chat about it again. Why? Because like so many of us, I still suffer from it. We suffer from it. Daily. I actually think some days ‘suffer’ could be exchanged for ‘cope’ but yes, it is still an old friend of mine and yours most likely. One result of the looming A is, for me, saying sorry when it just isn’t needed.
To place this into a moment within my absolutely chaotic, clumsy and sometimes purely embarrassing life experience- I was buying a little Mocha this morning (tried to talk myself out of it because I am trying to be as healthy as Gillian McKeith on a good day but f*ck it) and goodness knows why but I felt flappy, a bit rushed by the customer behind me and yep, Anxious. As my headphones felt it best to entwine themselves around my watch and kindly whip my phone out of my pocket onto the cold and wet pavement, I got my card out to pay. This was no trouble to the kind barista serving but as I carried out the contactless tap I said ‘sorry’. Why was I sorry? Had I stolen a rocky road brownie? Had I knocked over the coffee machine and caused roasted bean tragedy? No. But I was in the middle of a personal panic. I don’t really know why but you never do with Anxiety. Anyway, all was well and good after I had pulled myself from the vines of my headphones and taken the first luxurious sip of my mocha but I had wasted breath on essentially putting myself down.
It seems like a minuscule thing but I am a firm believer that putting yourself in a position of apology when your acts have not warranted the sincere sorry can take a toll on how you feel about yourself.
If someone violently bumps shoulders with me in the high street… who says sorry? Me. It has become a habit, a ritual a routine response if it happens amidst a time in the day where I am feeling out of sorts. So with this in mind, I have decided I’d like to slowly change this. Because after all, for every 5 seconds I spend saying sorry, I could have spent that precious time so much better on something else (like another mocha).
A smile for every sorry?
It sounds simple and granted that it may look a tad peculiar but I have vowed to myself I am going to simply smile (not like a Cheshire cat after a few) rather than put myself down and apologise for doing nothing other than living! Which really isn’t a crime.
Yep, I haven’t even really set this into motion yet but I intend to. Something I will work alongside this is really nurturing when and where I get anxiety. I know, I know it is unpredictable but I do have certain triggers such as; I haven’t left myself enough time, I haven’t been proactive, I feel like I have said something wrong etc. If I can try and apply a positive spin, gradually, all these worries I hope will have a gradual turnaround.
Saying sorry needs meaning…
Saying sorry is an important part of being on this big old Earth and is also a HUUUGE part of human nature for most (not all I know). So why waste it? There is nothing more sincere than apologising when it is genuinely needed. Whether it is something really awful you’ve accidentally spurted in a furious blaze of a row or because you’ve been sick after a night out on your Dad’s car interior because of the plastic bag being split- keep that little but oh so big word safe for when it really is a genuine need.
Just as almost a disclaimer– please remember that I am in no way an Einstein of life but if anything this is just from personal experience and I guess to help me in a way!
If you asked me the ‘meaning of life’ I would most likely say the new coconut milk in Costa, The Cure’s greatest hits and buying new polaroids for my camera. So as you can see, I have ALOT left to learn yet. I guess it helps to know that some of you lovely beings reading this will get it.
You will understand and already there is some comfort in that.