I don’t know what to do!!!!
You know when you were a tiny little ‘ankle biter’ (I imagine myself saying that with a deep Suffolk farmer accent, it’s all about the ‘rrrrr’) and you’d always have to ask why? Why are we going? When will we get there? Will it be fun? Where is it? Amongst far more peculiar inquisitive questions. Well, as a child I did this master questioning back and forth (usually ending up with Mum or Dad, and quite rightly so, exclaiming ‘Don’t be so flippant’) because I felt a wave of comfort from knowing. I felt a million miles better when I knew what was coming, even if it was the breakdown of what was for dinner.
Now I’m having a bit of a moment …
In the recent week or so I have had an influx of the complete opposite. I am facing a little fear of what we call the ‘unknown’. I am coming to terms with knowing that I have had to take a couple of steps back (yep you know the saying) to take a few more further. I just don’t have a clue yet as to where those three steps are going to place myself as a determined graduate. But results and definitive answers take time, and right now? Well, I guess you could say I am in a wobbly limbo.
I find myself hoping it isn’t just me that doesn’t know where or what they’ll be doing this very hour in a fortnight? I know there can be so much beauty in not having time restraints or structure, but if any of you are like me- these are two things I actually v much depend on. And I am struggling a fair bit. I want to know what direction I am heading- for the near future that is. But I am coming to realise that this is where patience really does come into play.
I would have liked to have gone into more detail about my current situation and why I am back in the warm and tender hug of home. I’m going to explain that series of events in a sep blog because it’s a ball game of its own.
Where was I again?
This week I have had a few knockbacks. And it has taken an almighty sigh to come soaring straight back up. But with each ‘no’ I argue that your one step closer to ‘YES!!’. Yet, I have had a few times today, in particular, where I settle into the calm and hearty feel of a Sunday at home and like an angry wasp heading for your cornetto, fear hit the pit of my ever hungry belly ringing an alarm that went ‘SH*T I HAVEN’T GOT A STRICT PLAN, SH*T WHAT DO I DO NOW? SH*T WHAT IS EVERYONE GOING TO THINK’?
Because I don’t know right now. I have a musical aspiration and some really driven goals. This is where I am sure. But the immediate days to come are just as important.
Unlike previous posts, I actually have no clue how to approach this stomach-churning panic when it rolls in as of yet. But I wanted to write this post because I have found some relief and clarity already in just writing it down (or should I say, tapping it out on my extra filthy keyboard). Not only this but I wanted anyone who is reading this, and is feeling a little lost, stressed or just confused, to know that I am right with ya. I feel just the same. Things, miraculous or small take time. If we don’t know yet, we don’t know. My solace is that I am bloody well trying. I am putting the hours in to help establish an exciting start.
They say knowledge is power and it is. But currently, the power is hope and grit. I hold my hands up and say, I just don’t know yet!