I’ve typed this intro five times now, thinking of something powerful and thoughtful to say. Instead, I’ve decided to just be honest: I have left my postgraduate course in education and it was a tough decision to make. But my heart is so much happier now I am back home and focusing all my efforts on something so close to my heart. Music and I’ve really… really missed it!
There is the ‘arrow’ saying that explains;
‘An arrow can only be released by pulling it back. When life pulls you back, it simply means your launching into something amazing.’
And honestly, this couldn’t sum up my current feelings for a whirlwind three months I have had. This post really isn’t going to focus on the details of what I left because there is nothing like being in the present and focusing on what is to come. But, to touch upon it- I wasn’t happy, neither content. I was feeling a shell of myself and I wanted to feel bright, eager and hopeful! Up until now, I have always (quite confidently) asserted that ‘I AM NOT A QUITTER’. Having been through the last three months, I now believe that ‘quitting’ and the negative stigma around the ‘almighty crime’ is simply detrimental.
You can quit and then proceed to succeed! Even more than if you hadn’t. You can’t always get it exactly spot on. I hoped I had hit the nail on the head, and admittedly I stuck it out like a v furious dog digging its paws in the mud, unwilling to go for that nighttime walk in the rain (because they keep pooing on the lino at night). I tried to look at what felt like a huge black, knotty, thick tangle from every perspective. I lent on those closest to me, they listened. I cried, on their shoulders. I worked into the early hours. But through all this, there was one pivotal and heart fracturing factor- I wasn’t happy.
Happiness. It’s a funny thing. I didn’t actually understand how it was one of the important cogs in the wheel that is life until I missed feeling it. The moment I truly pinpointed that I had lacked the warm and exciting touch of happiness was on Christmas day. Sat with my (proper handsome, no shame in saying) boyfriend and his fantabulous fam, watching Moana (of course, my fave song is shinnnyyyy), I had a ‘hang on’ moment. I just felt so god damn happy and delighted that I had had my first Christmas with my future husband (he doesn’t know yet but if he reads this, then maybe he’ll run a mile) and I was spending the eve with my Mum/Dad and fam (love,love,love). I had enjoyed two HUGE DINS and thrown up so horrifically in the morning because I kept up with everyone and became more trollied than ever imaginable on Xmas eve. I digress. Basically, I was so at ease. And like a sharp dagger hitting me right between the gals (my boobs) I briefly pondered on the very structured, planned out route I had ahead of me for 2018. I felt sick and scared. I felt sad with dread. It is this moment I decided that well being and HAPPINESS needed to come first. I wasn’t working towards my passion, or drive- which is and always has been music. Music in any form, contributing to it in anyway!! So these long marathon hours of graft I was churning out felt empty, and I was worn out. It had to stop.
And it did.
Fast forward to now, I am home again. Back to square one? Yes, you could say that. But I am all warm, excited and delighted to be feeling myself again.
- I’ve been applying for jobs more than an instagrammer takes a photo of a vegan cupcake next to a palm tree plant.
- I have been spending quality time with the ones I love and making music!! I have an EP underway (no name yet, open to weird and wacky suggestions) and lots of other exciting things!!
- I am visiting my BF in Peru and therefore pushing myself to go on my first transatlantic flight. I may have to knock myself out for it, but either way, I’ll get to Lima- whether I am absolutely sh*t terrified or not (why do planes fly so high). Perhaps I could become 2018’s Stacey Dooley to, you never know (I am a Stacey fangirl).
- And laaaasssst but by nada means least, I am putting all my extra hours into this blog and my Youtube channel (link below wink wink) to create a music platform for unsigned musicians to be celebrated. Scarlett Notes is intended to give a stage and spotlight to musicians of any genre, location, and style to just play their socks off and have a little chat so everyone can get a feel for how truly amazing they are! It’s still all being eagerly put together but if there is anything you legends can do- it would be to watch this space, share and like! (Thank you x 100 in advance).
So as Coco Chanel said, in all her demure;
‘Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door’
Please, if you are feeling trapped or embarrassed to make a swift U-turn and start all over again- give yourself a bloody big break. There is always an answer and you deserve a world of happiness and more. If you want to jump into something new, go go go! If you want to run back home and feel the safety seep around you, run run run! Follow that busy beating heart of yours, and sprinkled with the smallest amount of logic- you’ll be just fine x
YOUTUBE CHANNEL // SCARLETT NOTES: