Before I begin… I am having a slightly tough day today and sometimes being able to place what feels like a v chaotic jumble sale of thoughts into a digital monologue can do wonders. More importantly, if you have or do feel anything similar to what I chit-chat about; then we can carry on the tough old’ day knowing we aren’t the only ones.
The only comprehension I had of the word up until recently was parading myself under the bamboo stick whilst simultaneously shimmying (Never was the last one standing though…). Now I understand that it can also represent your state of mind and self. I am currently in a huuuumuuuungous limbo stage in my life. Like honestly HUGE. I wake up and think ‘Right new day, this will be incredible’. I skip downstairs on a wonderful homey day that I dream of when out and about (I am saying skip for the effect of this blog, it’s more of a plod), have my gorgeous poached eggs and warm, buttery toast with Mum whilst giving my utmost concentration to Coach Trip, and endeavor to begin the already amazing day. Then, BAM. Suddenly, I am discontent with a home day. I have started it, and I am doing as planned. But I am agitated and furious I didn’t plan more productive tasks for the day. How dare I stay at home and not change the world in an afternoon? How awful it is that I watched half an hour of This Morning? A panic emerges and I suddenly must change the plan. Jeans up, bun tied and coat on. I am walking into town quicker than I can run (so relatively slow …).
The laptop is slammed down, and I begin my life admin and more work (self-employed bits and bobs). This is it. Why didn’t I think of doing this sooner? I must remember to always come to Starbucks for the next couple of weeks before I start my new job. This MUST be my routine. That is the only way I’ll get ahead. Then… yes, I know you’ll have presumed what is coming next… I AM DISCONTENT!!! WHY OH WHY for the love of lattes am I irritable now? And it is that irrational irritation where the art of reasoning with yourself is not an option.
At night I can’t get to sleep, and in the morning I struggle to get up. I want to eat loads of healthy dishes that will make me a fitness fanatic but I reach for the V-day themed red velvet. Basically, If I said hot, I suddenly wish for cold. I am pretty annoyed at myself for being so indecisive and along with this my motivation (which is usually heavily consistent and sometimes overbearing) is fluctuating like the waves of the channel. I have really racked my mind the last few days as to WHY I have fallen into this essentially lazy limbo, and HOW I can sort it. Cause, after all, I am not going anywhere with this dreary mindset!
1.) Currently, I am at home each day. And this isn’t because I am jobless. I have finally found a role and have a few other ventures to be super excited about. But, with each day at home. I am by myself. And I am one of those gals who would rather be working alone in the company of another- if that makes sense? The loneliness is minimal but enough to grate at my mood. I realize this as whenever I am with delightful souls, I feel SUPER. So, first things first: I’ve gotta find a way to be happy and content on my owny ohhhhh!
2.) I have a troublesome time and always have, with relaxing. Most times I am remotely relaxed is either when I am listening to JAZZ BABAAAABY or really really hungover. Then the relaxing is out of my control. When you don’t allow yourself the timeout, ya get burn out. And this makes me feel a bit out of it and yup, in limbo. So, I’ve decided to keep reading Sarah Knights set of superb self-help books (I’ll hook ya up with the link below) and really work on getting my last tune written for my EP. The one thing missing from both these focuses? Digital devices. Ironic really since I pour a lot of time into Scarlett Notes and rely on the digital age. But breaks from these magnificent inventions are so crucial. My phone especially really rallies me up and I am unable to breathe and calm down. My laptop pulls me into a marathon search of things I really never needed to know at that split second such as; what does Kim’s (from RHO Atlanta) new house look like now?
3.) It is simple. I need to work on thinking rationally and reasoning when the tantalizing state of limbo begins. This is a technique I learned from attending CBT with an incredible practitioner who changed a large part of my outlook on well-being. It’s also one I have spoken about previously- challenging thoughts. I should really be V GRATEFUL because I have so much to be THANKFUL for!!!! When the ‘woe is me’ thoughts wade along, I am going to concentrate on pinpointing the fact that I am healthy, my closest ones are shining bright and from where I was this time last month- I am finally in a stable circumstance where the glorious routine of work (I am a sucker for routine) will resume and I can feel busybusybusy.
‘Everyday may not be good, but there is good in everyday’
Funnily enough, after frantically tapping this post out I am feeling better and have a clearer mind. So I guess I should say if you are still with me and reading this, thanks for listening. You’re a star.
**** I know I said I hoped to get more musical posts up and they are coming!! But this was just off the cuff and I appreciate your perfect patience.
- Sarah Knights collection: https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=sarah+knight+books&oq=sarah+knigh&aqs=chrome.2.0j69i60j0j69i57j69i61j0.3288j0j9&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8