Enough is enough…
To say I have struggled today at the grip of Anxiety would be an understatement. I am frustrated this time and just a little annoyed. With an atypical nature, the anxiety bout had no trigger and neither rhyme nor reason. The little bugger can have days where it wins, succeeds to f*ck up your feel-good vibes and it is just going to have to be ok.
Saturday is one morning where my potential chance for a lay-in (disclaimer: my lay in is 8 am, pants or what?) is at its strongest but the early tremor of anxiety cracked this high hope in half like a knock to a Cadburys easter egg (mmm not long). To pinpoint what my mindset is like during the early part of an anxious struggle; it is as though fast forward has been applied to all my everyday thoughts. As the fast forwarding takes speed my palms and feet begin to become a little clammy; my thoughts start to run with a thread that is catching on every corner and I get a persistent chest pain. I have to get things done, all these things. Things that a second ago didn’t even matter are now at the very root of my concern. The thoughts aren’t out of the ordinary. They are v normal. Perhaps about making sure the dog has enough water or have I answered all my emails? But they are laced with worry that has no rationale because I am at a vast loss as to where the worry has appeared from. THIS is where I tend to grow irritable.
I have grown to become relatively resilient to Anxiety when it is just tinkering in the background. For example, I’m en route to meeting friendios and the taxi is late (ish) and that means I am going to be late (ish). I know the trigger of my worry- time management and I am able to CBT the sh*t out of it by challenging my thoughts.
Today I had it wrapped around me like a little burrito in tin foil from the word gooooo. I carried on with the day and rallied on through but where my frustration nestles is; how can I calm the bloody feeling if I have no utter clue where it is originating. I had a beauty of a day off and it was just so slightly chipped by my headspace being jaded by the worry. I felt perhaps a quick quick nap would ease those vicious palpitations but my adrenals decided otherwise. When you have one of these days, your adrenals are in overdrive and that’s why if you are able to reason with it- your cortisol won’t rule.
Anxiety ruled my day and I feel upset that I have to admit that to myself. But what I have realised is that there is relief and understanding that can come from admitting that the last 24 hours have just been a bit crap.
I didn’t sort it. I didn’t succeed in owning it. I didn’t meditate and calm myself down. I didn’t ‘snap out of it’. I sat down with a trendy mug of coffee in hand (caffeine doesn’t help adrenals btw naughty me), took a sighful breath and thought…
‘Sod it, I haven’t been on top form today. Where is the chocolate and where’s the remote? Let’s get Netflix on the roll and dwell for while. I am human after all…’
So after all that I guess there is a resolution. You don’t have to be a hero to your own struggle. To be honest, there really is no shame in defeat. Anxiety can be stronger than the resource you have that day. Save your energy, and be kind to yourself.
Tomorrow you’ll be the winner just for being you!