Is positivity always the best remedy?

Mental Health Uncategorized

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I’m sat in Starbucks just off the extreme hustle and bustle of London Liverpool Street with crispy lashes from where I have sweat my entire entity out and had a little, half-hearted cry. Today wasn’t how I’d envisioned…

I’ve had a delayed train to and from the city I am so obsessed with, and being healthy I purchased a bottle of water that decided to make a silky descent through my new straw bag WHICH has turned out to have the sustainability of a napkin. I’ve filled myself with gluten and dairy out of stress eating (ok ok no excuse, I’ll still chuck it in) and now I am as bloated as a froggo taking a deeeep breath out (Ribbit! Sorry couldn’t help myself…)

Don’t get me wrong, I have had a small handful of {lovely lovely} events happen today; seeing my wonderfully beautiful gals from UNI amongst all the chaos, having a radio play on Shoreditch Radio (go and listen, I’ve hooked up the link!) and confirming another gig to play this year. But, the carnage mentioned above caused my desperately awaited for catch up with my cherubs to be so very short (sweet of course!) and this really really got to me. Social occasions, like so many of us, are really important to me and to be honest, probably sacred haha. Because of a bad pattern of events, I had that one privilege I was eager for all week, sort of taken away. You know?

I was struggling not to dwell on this unjust punch in the tum with the approach so many of us are educated, guided and self-directed to do- being positive.

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I am the first volunteer to wave the grand flag for using positive thinking to combat all sorts; anxiety, worry and problem-solving. But as I have grown up (I am over 22 and a half now, help) I’m starting to have a minor dispute with this theorem as (only) sometimes it just doesn’t help me.

{Before I continue, I just want to make it has clear as a french manicure that this is my own personal feeling and PLEASE if you rely on consistently thinking positively to get you through, do not feel influenced or pressured by how I feel within this post. You are doing brill however you roll}

I bobbed about on the tube like an empty glass bottle in the recycle tray, breathing in and out, trying to reason with feeling upset and frustrated about the day. I was disciplining myself to not give in to the little sinking feeling that nestled at the bottom of my chest. I felt a defiance to let my day fall to the shambles of a morning I had endured. I reasoned with myself to not wallow in self-pity… but this was just making it bloody worse. The fisticuffs between wanting to feel strong and defiant instead of upset and hard done by was causing me to feel panicked (and v sweaty, summer on the tube and all that). I’ve had this relentless toss back and forth a few times now and it is because I hate hate hate admitting to defeat.

If tears roll, that is fine. If you end up listening to Nirvana… yeah… that is fine!

I’ve thought long and hard…

Being upset, wanting to have a moment or feeling unjust is NOT being defeated. It is being what we all truly are; human. If I can’t combat the painful swallow when I am holding in tears of frustration with the dreamy, idyllic application of positivity then it just isn’t right for that moment, then that is how it is. Instead, I found a cathartic surge through writing a sh*tty complaint to the train company… sending an email that could have been half a Bronte novel. I tapped the keyboard with the utmost force and with every space bar slam, just a slice of the aggravated ‘feels’ slipped away. I listened to Creep//Radiohead and stormed through the busy streets with my sunglasses on (lol). I didn’t turn my data off on my phone to be good and save it, I lavished in Spotify on my stomp to the station and it felt good! This isn’t to say if you want a cathartic meltdown, I ensure (of course) that it doesn’t impact on anyone else (other than Greater Abellio grrr). For instance; of course, I’m going to hold a door open, or say thank you! But you can just release the tight restraints of having to ALWAYS be OK for a few self-indulgent minutes. If tears roll, that is fine. If you end up listening to Nirvana… yeah… that is fine.

If you are having a bad day and you just want to dip your toes in the pity pool for a few quick moments, is that really a catastrophe inducing crime? No. Positivity is a dear old friend to us all, but we can’t be perfectly positive all the time!!

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