Sat on the tube on a Friday morning and I’ve been lost in a perplexed train of thought. Listening to The Japanese House and their corker of a song ‘Somebody You Found’… the first line is ‘Did something change?’.
And that’s the thing. Change.
Change is good and healthy for the heart and soul. But what if you haven’t been ready for so much change all combusting at the same time? Yep. I’m boomeranging straight back to leaving Uni. If you’ve been keeping up with Scarlett Notes, you’ll know I’ve discussed the struggles post graduating and one of the major losses I’ve tirelessly tackled with is a loss, decline and dip in self-confidence.
With so much changing within the (what is actually very small) space of a year, I haven’t had the stability to grow or take time out to really work on myself as a young and disastrous 20-something…
I’ve taken so much time to (over, of course) think about why I no longer go out of my long-limbed way to speak to new potential bezzies on a night out, have not even a sprinkle of doubt when trying something brand new, going for the EXTRA garms in Topshop because I’m loving myself and constant laughter. I get this (irrational) thought that I’m no longer as funny or ‘fun’ anymore. Believe me, there have been times where I’ve felt I’ll never be the same again. I’ve pined for the absence of the bundles of self-confidence I had through 19,20 and 21…
I’m 22, nearly 23 and I think part of the disappearance of feeling like a ‘million dollars’ is the change in life in general. Where I used to get the no.62 from uni back to the SU Bar and meet all my wonderful pals for a Snakebite (what a concoction) and let loose essentially… I now spend most eves planning ahead, exploring potential internships and making list upon list. I find time to go through my direct debits and I forget that 5 minutes were needed to pluck my sprawling brows. By the time I’ve reached for the tweezers, it’s 10 to 11 and I’ve got work in what feels like an hour so it’s sleep first- beauty second. I guess you could say…
Priorities have changed.
I feel a pressure to say how happy I am and how ‘on it’ I have been now my priorities have shifted. But I don’t know if I am. It is a struggle to balance everything and I run on a dribble of sleep, leaving me hanging all out to any arriving chesty coughs or snotty colds (not v attractive when you’re trying to nail London chic). I still don’t have the slightest clue on how to be a domestic goddess and I struggle to work out travelling time because I am always too bloody optimistic. If it’s an hour, give it two. I understand now through some cardiac disturbing journeys.
With such little time at hand, I haven’t nurtured integral aspects of my day to day life.
A magazine? New music? A new hairdo? A different walk to work?
I have come to realise that it is so incredibly important you LOOK AFTER YOU. In the way that you love. Time is never on our side so we have to do the best we can right? When I part with my toasty and cosy flat this morning, I’m going to buy NME and relish in reading it as I rattle southbound down the Victoria Line. I’m going to make sure I put time aside to natter to those I love ohhhh so much… whether it is a text or call! If I would like a frothy, pumpkin-spiced latte (because ladies and gentleman it is that time of year again!!) then I’ll whip out my ever-shrinking contactless money pit and slam it down on the card machine. Because I like coffee and it will make me happier.
If I want to hold my face to the sun for one minute longer before treading onto the longest escalators in the world to grab the next train… I will.
I’ve been doing these ‘little things’ for a week or so now and a small, blissful wave of feeling content has made a gentle appearance. It is certainly little by little (cue Oasis), but so crucial to helping yourself in the long run.
If you are in a similar position and changes have whacked you right in the back of the kneecaps… you’ve got this. Stop being so hard on yourself and take a second, minute hour or day for you and that beautiful mind and soul you have there. It needs time, just like everything else in your life.
You are a little flower ready to blossom, you just need to pop a little bit of water and a drop of self-love in there. Those petals will open wide, and you’ll face the sun … ready to grow grow grow (I’ve never been so hippie oooh).
Take care beauty.